Written by ‘The 4 Idiotic Leftovers’ (or at least it was meant to be but we all forgot about it and went for a nap instead so it was written by this idiot).
Below are a few pro tips on how to hike through the scary jungles of Malaysia:
Research
Research is vital when trying to navigate your way through endless trees and slippery mud. Do as much research as you like, but still ignore all warnings given by previous trekkers because you believe it’s just a little stroll through the woods. If you see comments online advising you to bring supplies such as a knife; a torch; or food, ignore them all. They don’t apply to you. A bottle of water wouldn’t hurt, but then again, you can survive without because it is only a little stroll and you’ll be out before you know it.
Sounds reasonable. We may have wanted No 5, but they’ll probably be the same..
Dress Appropriately
If you have proper walking gear, throw it all away. It’s useless to you. All you need is a pair of jeans, or shorts, and Converse. White Converse are preferable, but we’re not fussy. If you have that, you’re good to go.
Pens in pockets are also a great addition
Bring Appropriate Gear
Bug spray is for the weak. We are not weak. We are champions. You do not need bug spray. Repeat after me – you do not need bug spray. The bites are nice reminders of the good wee stroll you had through the woods. And trying to avoid the bugs adds to the fun of being stuck in the jungle.
And if anyone ever tells you that a ball, particularly a 3RM Frozen ball, is unnecessary, banish them from your life. You don’t need that kind of negativity. A 3RM Frozen ball is very handy for keeping you occupied during your little stroll through the woods (just don’t drop it).
Pfft, who needs water?! Not us!
Transportation
You obviously need to get to the starting point somehow and saving as much energy as possible for your little stroll is needed, so call a taxi. If you pass other British hikers (especially ones that look like they haven’t followed this advice) walking on the way to the start, wave and laugh. You definitely will not need their help later.
Also, trust that your taxi driver knows where he is going and takes you to your wanted trail. If he doesn’t, just roll with it. Nothing bad will happen, right?
What do we need to save our energy for exactly?
Help
If you find that you need a little bit of help (maybe finding the start of the trail), find the previously mentioned British hikers and just ask the big bearded one. When everyone starts laughing at you, laugh along and pretend you’re not confused about why everyone’s laughing.
Keep stopping and eventually Big Bearded Man and all 30 of his friends will catch up with you (at least you know you went the right way) in all your sweaty glory. If they try to offer you a rope to help you down a mud slide, laugh. You should then grab a root of a tree, try to look like Tarzan by swinging yourself down, end up on your bum covered in mud, and say ‘thank you for the rope’.
Let them overtake you and then realise you made a huge mistake because this time you actually do need their help (you don’t, it’s just all in the mind). Shout Patrick (the only name you managed to pick up but he’s Scottish so it’s all good) and wait 3 hours for a reply. When it doesn’t come, accept that you are well and truly stuck and lost.
If anybody passes you going the opposite way, ask them how far away the end is. They will all tell you the same thing – 5 or 600 meters. Believe them. You have no reason to doubt them.
We clearly don’t need help
The End!
When you see the end you must hurry up and not care about how weak your legs are or how you keep falling over.
You must reach a normal road again and laugh, then say how a little 4 hour trek stroll wasn’t actually that bad and act confused about how dirty you are.
Remember to take a picture of how great you’re feeling afterwards
If you are planning on doing any hikes, especially in Malaysia, please follow these survival guides. Tried and tested by yours truly xo
You should maybe take a shower and try to wash those white Converse you wore after as well. Just an idea though?
kftravel 